Psychopathic Murderer – What Can a Personality Test Reveal About My Flaws?

Before I embark on what can only be described as an epic journey of self discovery and self improvement, I think that it makes sense to take inventory.  That way that I can figure out exactly what I’m working with and I’ll get a better idea of what I need to improve.  The first way that I’ve taken inventory is through personal assessment tests.  A close friend suggested the Enneagram test, which has some scientific testing to back it up.  I took the 10 minute free test that has 36 questions.

The Enneagram Institute

 First of all, this was not a 10 minute test for me.  I had trouble answering almost every single question which suggests something that I’d feared – I have absolutely no clue who I am.  I don’t know whether I like to be alone or in groups, whether I like to fit in or stand out, or whether I like my margaritas on the rocks or blended. 

According to the test I am a number 3, “the Achiever.”  3s are are: “The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious.”  After reading this description I was absolutely thrilled – apparently I am well on my way to becoming the next president, astronaut, or at least someone with a full time job.

There’s some bad news though, I might also be a sociopathic murderer.  Yes that’s right. According to this system there are 9 levels of development, 1 being the healthiest and 9 being the least healthy. For each personality type, there are characteristics associated with each level.  Since I’m having a life-crisis I just went ahead and skipped levels 1-3 because those are for high functioning individuals.

• Level 4 – “highly concerned with success” – Probably fits, after all, I have a blog about self improvement.
• Level 5 – “losing touch with their own feelings beneath a smooth facade”  – Actually, I wish that this one were true. Unfortunately I don’t think that my facade is very smooth right now as evidenced by my taking a “mental health” day off last week.
• Level 6 – “Arrogance and contempt for others is a defense against feeling jealous of others and their success.”  I don’t think that I am arrogant but I am definitely jealous of others’ success – for example, secretly cursing all of my newly engaged Facebook friends and hoping that their marriages fail.
• Level 7 – “Willing to do whatever it takes to preserve the illusion of their superiority”  This doesn’t fit. I seriously doubt that anyone has an illusion of my superiority at this point.  (See above “mental health day”)
• Level 8 – “Untrustworthy, maliciously betraying or sabotaging people to triumph over them. Delusionally jealous of others”  Yes on the jealousy, possibly yes on the maliciously betraying (that’s for another post).
• Level 9 – “Psychopathic, murder. Generally corresponds to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” I haven’t committed murder, yet.  Although from time-to-time I contemplate lighting my boyfriend’s cat on fire.

The test confirmed that I’m driven, image conscious  and that I have a strong need for the approval of others.  As far as my mental health, I’d say that I’m somewhere between a 8-4 on the scale of development, meaning that I’m not a sociopath but there is plenty of room for improvement.  Lucky for me the website also has personal growth suggestions for number 3s.

Onward to being the best number 3 that I can be.

   

Preface: Death, Taxes and Turning 30

Let me start off by acknowledging that this is not the first time that this is ever happened.  Other people have turned 30 before.  In fact, everyone that is fortunate enough to live this long turns 30.  It’s one of those grim certainties, death, taxes and turning 30 if you live long enough.

Having said that, and even having accepted all of that in my rational mind, for some reason turning 30 is just hard to accept.  I’ve talked with others about that, and they all feel the same way.  And everyone falls in to one of two categories:

Type I – the failing-to-meet-expectations variety

This type is generally single and may or may not live at home with his parents.  Generally speaking, this type has very little money may not have a solid career.  Type Is frequent bars and nightclubs, are known to hook up with strangers, and sometimes forget to pay parking tickets.  Parents of Type I individuals may express concern about whether they will “eventually get their shit together.”

People within this category feel that turning 30 underscores how little they have accomplished in life.  They feel as though they have failed to meet others’, and possibly their own, expectations for what a person should have accomplished by the age of 30.

Type II – the finding-out-that-meeting-expectations-isn’t-that-exciting variety

This type is married, often with children, or if not children at least pets.  Type II individuals often have a stable job and may own a home or condominium.  These individuals rarely frequent bars and clubs and spend most of their time at home tending to their brood.

People in this category view turning 30 as a loss of youth and as confirmation that they are indeed “old.”  They begin to feel bodily aches and pains more acutely as they approach 30, and remember fondly the good old days of being a high school football player or cheerleader.

Although I sympathize with people suffering from the Type II affliction, I am definitely a Type I sufferer.

Why am I upset about turning 30? I have no money and a mountain of student debt.  In fact I’m still in school.  I have a live in boyfriend but we have no future plans.  I’m about to move in with my friend’s mom, which is only a small step above living with my own mom.  I go out a lot, and I continue to act irresponsibly.  (Case in point, last weekend I got kicked out of a bar for being too drunk).  I drive a 15 year old car and the check engine is perpetually on.

I always thought as a kid that being 30 meant that I would be “all grown up.”  By this time I thought I would have a house, a husband and a job.  Unfortunately none of these things have happened, and it’s led to me feeling a little down about my life.

I remember when I was growing up, every single day before school my mom would say “be your best self.”  Rather than crumpling up into a ball of despair over what I’m lacking, I am going to make my 30th year on this Earth the best one ever.

Finally, I am going to try to be my best self.  Every day.